•••ALL HAIL THE GREEN COFFEE ENEMA!•••

 

Are you feeling rashy due to food allergies? Achey in your joints? Broken out on your forehead? Low energy? Has a bout of gout got you down? Coming down with something? There’s nothing quite like a green coffee enema to turn the tables on whatever funk might be plaguing you!

Give your cells a glutathione bath from the inside out!

Glutathione is a master antioxidant, basically the anti-inflammatory vanguard of cancer prevention and cellular repair. Glutathione is manufactured in the liver, and released into the bloodstream to do its work throughout your tissues, calming things down, putting cells back in working order. Drinking a moderate amount of coffee increases the production of glutathione, but can wreck havoc on your adrenals when you over do it. However, when consumed via the rectum, the caffeine in coffee dilates liver/gall ducts and blood vessels, increasing blood flow and encouraging the release of toxins, while simultaneously boosting glutathione production. Because there’s a super highway of blood vessels connecting the intestines with the liver, coffee and all of its magical compounds are absorbed directly into the liver while it’s retained in the colon. What’s more, while the chlorogenic acid found in coffee beans is typically destroyed in the roasting process, it remains present in green and lightly roasted beans, which preserves its numerous healthful properties: anti-diabetic, weight loss inducing, blood pressure regulating, neuro-protection, focus and mood boosting, anti-aging… you get the idea. Green coffee enema enthusiasts surmise that chlorogenic acid gets cycled directly into your blood stream through the virtues of the enema.

For the super nerdy among you, please note that there haven’t been any studies on the benefits of green coffee enemas, so no doctor is going to tell you these benefits are backed by science — this is another anal of scientific research that has not yet been probed! Nevertheless, the glutathione enhancing benefits that come from the oral consumption of coffee have been well documented, as have the bioavailability of healthful compounds present in green coffee. Taken with the thousands of testimonials from individuals such as myself who can attest to the anti-inflammatory/energy-boosting/digestion-relieving benefits of such a procedure, one must surmise that there must be something to it, or so many would not be so excited to put green coffee up their butts.

So here you go:

  • 1/4 to 1/3 c. green coffee, ground

  • 6 c. filtered water

  • enema bag or bucket

  • 1 tsp. baking soda

Put the water and the green coffee grounds into a glass, ceramic or stainless steel pot and bring to a boil — DO NOT USE ALUMINUM. Reduce the heat, and simmer for about 30 minutes. It will smell terrible but most powerful herbs smell pungent when you cook them, so rest assured you’re in good company. Turn off, and allow to cool.

While the coffee is cooling off, prepare your bathtub. I like using a yoga mat covered with a towel and a pillow. It’s also good to have a washcloth on hand, a dab of lube (coconut oil), a timer, and perhaps some reading material? Make it a cozy little nest.

Now, back to the green coffee: pour the mixture through a stainless steel strainer. I like to use a French press. Do not use a paper filter — it will remove too many of the green coffee’s precious compounds. You should have reduced the mixture down to about 3-4 cups. Add a little extra water if needed to make sure you have 4 cups to put in your enema bag.


WARNING: NEVER PUT HOT COFFEE UP YOUR BUTT!


This may sound obvious, but you need to be extra sure that the coffee (or any fluid mixture) you put in your enema bag is warm, and not hot at all. A scorched anus is not a good time. Test the temperature with your finger. Ideally it should be about the same temperature as your body — like 96-100 degrees. Once you’ve confirmed the temperature is correct, add the final ingredient: 1 tsp. baking soda, and shake to mix.

I like to hang my enema bag from a hanger on the towel rack near my bathtub. Essentially you want it to be about 2-3 feet off the ground, with the hose easily accessed from the bathtub.

•••A SALT & SODA FLUSH FIRST?•••

To maximize your green coffee experience, it’s a not a bad idea to do a salt and soda enema first, in order to flush the bowel and prepare it to retain/absorb the most from the green coffee enema. A salt and soda enema has plenty of its own health benefits too, and is relatively simple to prepare:

  • 4 cups warm filtered water

  • 1 Tbsp. baking soda

  • 2 tsp. sea salt

A simple way to prepare this is to boil a cup of water, and then add 2-3 cups cold water until the temperature is correct, before mixing in the salt and baking soda. Once this mixture is loaded into your enema bag/bucket, administer slowly, but do not retain it — the purpose of this enema is to flush the bowel.

•••DOING THE GREEN COFFEE ENEMA•••

You’ve prepared the green coffee. You’ve flushed with a salt & soda enema. You’ve made a cozy nest in your bathtub and got all your stuff in order. It’s green coffee enema time, baby!

Keep your underwear off — you don’t want them getting in the way.

Get down on all fours with your rear up in the air. Lube your anus and insert the enema nozzle. Open the valve for three seconds, stop. How did that feel? Not too hot? Good. Keep going, three seconds at a time. Take it slow, pausing for 3-5 seconds as you go. The goal is to put all four cups of green coffee goodness into your colon. Do not rush it. If you rush it, you can build up too much pressure too quickly and trigger the urge to evacuate. Your goal is to retain the green coffee for 15 minutes.

As soon as you’ve emptied the enema bag and you’ve got all four cups inside you, carefully lay down in your little nest on your left side. Rest here for 5 minutes.

Then gently roll to your back — rest here for another 5 minutes.

Then finally, roll onto your right side, and rest here for the last five 5 minutes.

During this time you may experience a number of things:

  • You might feel the urge “to go.” If this happens, try laying on your back and putting your pelvis in the air, to drain the fluid away from your anus and relieve the pressure.

  • You may feel a magical, pulsing spasm in your liver/gallbladder area, this is great! It’s a sign your gall ducts have been dilated, allowing for the release of toxins.

  • You may feel a little dizzy or high as the caffeine hits your bloodstream via your intestines.

  • You may feel a cool tingly sensation inside your body, almost like you are getting rinsed off from the inside out. That’s the glutathione at work.

Once the fifteen minutes have passed, move yourself to the toilet, and release. The liquid will leave your body in waves, so plan to stay close to home and chill in the bathroom for a while.

Congratulations! You’ve opened your liver ducts and washed your cells with glutathione! You should feel an immediate sense of physical relief. Now, don’t forget to hydrate and restore your electrolytes with some salty lemonade, Emergen-C, or similar type of electrolyte drink. Happy cleansing!